Whew. Where to start. 2012 is quickly coming to a close. As in years past through different outlets, I like to write, and reflect, and review.
2012 started out as a nightmare. I was going to turn thirty this year. I was supposed to be on a dream vacation that snowballed into a nightmare in the making. January was one of the most difficult months of my life, to date. I went from being engaged to single in the blink of an eye. I learned some very hard life lessons in spite of myself.
There was much I needed to come to terms with. My life from those early moments on was forever changed. The old cliche “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” was my life’s mantra for the early months of this year.
Following my break-up, public downward spiral and emotional rebuilding process, I got myself back together. I lost 50 lbs, began exercising, eating better, and learning to live my life. As I approached the middle of the year, and my 30th birthday, I took the reins back. Screw the carrot, I whipped myself into shape, literally and mentally.
I learned again what it meant to cut loose and have fun. But this time around, my life experience kept me focused and determined. Also as the year approaches it’s close, so does another chapter in my life. I will complete a personal restructuring of sorts in my personal life. Tomorrow marks an important and final step towards that closure. Although nerves are playing a huge part, I know when all is said and done, I will, again, walk away with my head up, my mind right, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.
There are many people I want to thank for getting me through this year. First and foremost are my brother and sister-in-law. When I was knocked down, lying on the floor, kicked and cut open with salt in the wound, they reached out their hands. They didn’t carry the burden for me, or pick me up off the ground. Instead, they said, “We’re here, to support you, to help you learn to pick yourself up again.” I thank God everyday for amazing people in my life.
For my sister – thank you for being there to cry with me, for being a role model, and letting me learn. For not judging me, criticizing me, or tearing me down. Thank you for knowing when to say something and knowing when you say the most by saying nothing at all.
My Cousin, Matt, my brother-cousin. For making me get out and enjoy myself. To you, Josh and Emma for turning on a light in the darkness. There are no words. Thank you for being the people you are, not needing to explain yourselves or make excuses. For teaching me that it’s okay to be me. I’m forever grateful.
To my parents and grandparents. Although one of my grandma’s has passed away – I know she would be included. Thank you all for letting my most public breakup be a private matter when I needed it to be. I know that wasn’t always easy, as it’s in your nature to be loving and nurturing and protective of your children and grandchildren, it was what I needed, when I needed it.
Please don’t be offended if you aren’t included in this list. There are so many important and influential people in my life, that I simply could write for hours and hours and days and day and not cover them all.
As I mentioned once or twenty times, I did hit the big 3-0 this year. And let me tell ya, for a gay guy, 30 is approaching the grave. At least I thought so. Especially with all my trauma and drama from the early part of the year, I didn’t see my birthday as being a momentous occasion. Again. lesson learned. We partied like it was 1999, and 30 became the new 20 (or maybe 21 to keep it kosher….)
I don’t fear 30 any longer. I’m learning to love it, and before you know it, I’ll be 31.
I must admit though – life has changed. Very much so. Christmas is just days away. And although there are similarities… it doesn’t feel the same. I will surround myself with family and friends, and I know everything will work out, but I sense the difference nonetheless.
Only 14 more days in 2012. I’ve been working sporadically on Ardent Soul – my life story. I find it very difficult to write, at times. I’ve passed 40 pages written, however, and it will continue to grow and blossom. Just as I will….
Until next time…
~TJ