It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write, again. What can I say? It comes in spurts!

Almost a month ago, I turned 30. As my birthday approached, I was in many aspects, truly dreading it. But 30 has come… and gone… and I’m still here… 30 feels a lot like 29… but in my particular situation, it’s been a hell of a lot better than 29.

To date, I’ve lost nearly 50 lbs, and continue to work at the life changes I’ve implemented. I have cut more than 6 inches off my waistline, changed my diet, implemented a routine, and I’m learning to have fun again. I don’t think my stress level has been this low… well… ever. haha. I’m continually learning, taking things in stride, and looking for opportunities around every corner to better myself.

The results have not gone unnoticed. I sincerely appreciate the comments by those around me when they take just a minute to say “Wow, TJ, you look great. You have definitely lost weight, and you just look all around happier.”

That truly helps cement my mentality – no looking back. Continue to move forward. Take those lemons that life threw at you and make a lemon drop daquiri! Okay, maybe a lemonade will suffice. 🙂

I know that the changes I’ve begun are no where near coming to an end. I strongly felt it was past time to re-invent myself. So. New adventures abound!

My 30th birthday was a blast – decided to have an 80s party. A throwback to the decade I made my initial mark on this world. I was joined by many old friends, some new ones, and some amazing folks who are like, or actually are family to me. I was able to cut loose… be social, and yeah, celebrate the anniversary of my birth with a large liquid diet.

Following my birthday is my cousin’s birthday. Matt. We are a year and ten days apart, and I’ve decided to refer to him as my brother-cousin. Not only because he is as close to me as any brother truly could be, but because we often have to stop and explain that we are cousins, not actually brothers. So I gave up the repeated explanations – we’ll just be brother-cousins. (Hey, if there can be sister-wives… my analogy is a lot less explanation warranted).

For Matt’s birthday he planned a destination celebration – an all time favorite – Las Vegas. I didn’t really know how I would be able to swing it financially. Again, blessings upon me… my Grandma and Matt split the cost of my plane ticket as a gift for my birthday. My cousin, also quite the avid gambler, had complimentary rooms at the Rio (all suite hotel). So hotel stay and plane ticket were taken care of! Um… I think financially, with these developments, I’m able to make this trip!

I have to admit – I was more excited for a quick weekend in Vegas, than I was for a week-long supposed “once-in-a-lifetime” cruise to the Western Caribbean! This would be the first time Matt and I were in Vegas together without our families with us. Not that we don’t love our family, just this was a new experience and adventure!

To keep true to the old adage – “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” I’m not going to write out details of all the events that took place. So in short – plane landed, out to bar, return to hotel at 6:30 AM, sleep for three hours, get up, go to pool, swim and tan (or burn – first time ever.) Go to show. Show stunk (performer got injured, show got lame). Go out for Matt’s Birthday (in a limo, paid $25.00 to get in club door – ugh.) Return to hotel. Go to sleep at 5:30 AM. Wake up 3 hours later. Go to pool. Gamble, win SITC progressive jackpot (almost 300.00… yeah baby). Go to airport, return to Seattle. But truly – a fantastic trip, as compact weekend trips go!

As July faded away, and August came in to full view, things finally started to calm down again. The summer rush had subsided, the warm weather was here, and my thoughts turned ahead. August 18th will mark the one year anniversary of my Grandma’s death. As a separate post, I’m going to include the creative writings I penned in her honor and in remembrance of her. They are called “A Letter To Nana” and “A Year Later, For Nana.”

Just a little background on “Nana”. That was the word my siblings as I used for my mom’s mother – my grandma. Nana and Bumpa. My dad’s parents were (in accordance with Chamorro (Guamanian) tradition) Nana and Tata (those are abbreviated forms of the words which mean grandma and grandma in the native language of Guam).

Anyways – we will be attending a memorial in observance of the one year mark. I was asked to read the creative writings, but everything inside me tells me I just won’t be able to make it through the readings without breaking down. I let them stand alone as they are – a tribute to an amazing woman who was and always will be my Nana.

That’s the extent of my goings on and life, for now, as it is. I will again close with a quote which has saturated my mind:

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” -Jawaharal Nehru

Until Next Time….

~Tj

Whew! 2012… definitely a year to remember. In more ways than I can count or remember.

In January, I started out on what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime. It ended up being the nightmare to end all nightmares. Who would’ve guessed? My then fiance` and I had been planning to take a cruise to the Western Caribbean for almost a year. While the events are unimportant, this trip ended up being the beginning of the end of my 4 1/2 year relationship and engagement.

February was a rough month. I had to sort out my life, my living situation, and adjust to my new circumstances quickly. Emotionally and physically I was drained. I saw no end in sight, and the news just kept getting better.

March was a time for anger. Attempted (and failed) reconciliations, craziness, stone throwing, pain, suffering, finger pointing. Everyone and no one was to blame. March was also a time for change. I needed to regroup. It was time to rediscover myself, my passions, my life, my social side!

I was blessed (there truly is no other word for it — blessed) to have the family that I do. Throughout all the turmoil, change, heartache, stress, and downright trauma – my family was there every step of the way. I’m not saying they are perfect. They are human, afterall. But especially my brother and sister-in-law have been godsends to me. I don’t know how or why life works the way it does, but I’m a firm believer in the saying “God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.” What I think is lacking from that phrase is “he’s also got a built in support system ready for you.”

Then came April, and May. Life is different now. It’s developed meaning, and direction and purpose again. I don’t necessarily have all those nailed down or know exactly where any of them is leading me… but I have that feeling that they are there again. Of course hindsight is always 20/20… and sometimes that look in from the outside seems so obvious. But I was lost, with blinders on. I had no idea what or how I was living before my eyes re-opened.

A little over five weeks ago – we (My brother, sister-in-law, and I) began a journey. We came to a place within our lives. We had waded through a bunch of crap. We emerged on the other side, still standing. All the better, and stronger for it. We knew that we could and should do better for ourselves in this life. We embarked on a new adventure. One to change ourselves, mentally and physically. We started out walking. At first it was a leisurely stroll around our block. Then, as a little time went on, we increased our distance, and speed. With three of us working at it, we were able to push and motivate each other.

I’m excited to report, that here we are in June. Having developed somewhat of a very regular routine. Our group has expanded to include my sister, and scatterings of my nieces and nephews. To date, counting back to January, I have lost a total of 40 lbs. And it keeps coming. This resulted in nearly 4 inches off my waist.

The results are visibly noticeable in all of us. It’s an amazing feeling. We’ve incorporated so many diet changes and habit changes into our lives which have furthered our progress. While we all know there is more to come, and the road ahead isn’t always going to be a smooth and steady one… I’m continually amazed at the support, progress and drive we have to date.

This weighs on me additionally because in a little over a month, I’ll be turning 30. It’s bittersweet in many ways. Looking back five years ago, I would have told you at 30 I planned to be settled down with a significant other, in a house, with my dog and considering expanding my family. I obviously have a very different view of 30 now.

But I think about it like this – it’s not always the destination, or the outcome you imagine, what’s most important is the journey.

So life continues to change and evolve, and truly get better all the time. And I’m working to not dread turning the big 3-0, but rather take it in stride, embrace it. 30 is shaping up to be an amazing year in my life. 30 isn’t the end of a journey, but the beginning…

Again, I say that I am blessed to have an amazing family. It’s not even that I need them there to hold my hand every step of the way. But it’s beyond comforting to know that if I did need to reach out, there would be a hand to hold me, and lift me up in those times.

I’ve said this time and time again…. but writing has always been an outlet for me… it is within my thought process now to get back to writing once again. There was a lot in my head I needed to clear out first…

Many months ago (and probably truthfully years) I started writing a book. Based on my life and experiences. For a long time, because I thought I needed to mold my life around another, I stepped away from writing. After my grandma passed away, approaching a year ago now, I sat down and began to add to it again, but my focus was lacking.

I was too caught up in the drama that was my life, and the trauma of her passing. I tend to write, edit, re-write, re-edit, and re-re-write on a very regular basis. So it will be a work in progress for some time… but one that I plan very shortly to get back to.

Even after writing this short “update” I feel more clarity of mind. It’s like knowing my path was always there, and I was walking on it from time to time, but often it was in darkness… now I have a flashlight, and can better see my way through.

I think I will close out this entry with a final thought on the last six months… a quote I read and posted on facebook – “You can’t start the next chapter in your life if you continue to re-read the last one”

Until next time…..

~Tj