Author Archives: TJ

2012 – A Year In Review

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Whew. Where to start. 2012 is quickly coming to a close. As in years past through different outlets, I like to write, and reflect, and review.

2012 started out as a nightmare. I was going to turn thirty this year. I was supposed to be on a dream vacation that snowballed into a nightmare in the making. January was one of the most difficult months of my life, to date. I went from being engaged to single in the blink of an eye. I learned some very hard life lessons in spite of myself.

There was much I needed to come to terms with. My life from those early moments on was forever changed. The old cliche “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!” was my life’s mantra for the early months of this year.

Following my break-up, public downward spiral and emotional rebuilding process, I got myself back together. I lost 50 lbs, began exercising, eating better, and learning to live my life. As I approached the middle of the year, and my 30th birthday, I took the reins back. Screw the carrot, I whipped myself into shape, literally and mentally.

I learned again what it meant to cut loose and have fun. But this time around, my life experience kept me focused and determined. Also as the year approaches it’s close, so does another chapter in my life. I will complete a personal restructuring of sorts in my personal life. Tomorrow marks an important and final step towards that closure. Although nerves are playing a huge part, I know when all is said and done, I will, again, walk away with my head up, my mind right, and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.

There are many people I want to thank for getting me through this year. First and foremost are my brother and sister-in-law. When I was knocked down, lying on the floor, kicked and cut open with salt in the wound, they reached out their hands. They didn’t carry the burden for me, or pick me up off the ground. Instead, they said, “We’re here, to support you, to help you learn to pick yourself up again.” I thank God everyday for amazing people in my life.

For my sister – thank you for being there to cry with me, for being a role model, and letting me learn. For not judging me, criticizing me, or tearing me down. Thank you for knowing when to say something and knowing when you say the most by saying nothing at all.

My Cousin, Matt, my brother-cousin. For making me get out and enjoy myself. To you, Josh and Emma for turning on a light in the darkness. There are no words. Thank you for being the people you are, not needing to explain yourselves or make excuses. For teaching me that it’s okay to be me. I’m forever grateful.

To my parents and grandparents. Although one of my grandma’s has passed away – I know she would be included. Thank you all for letting my most public breakup be a private matter when I needed it to be. I know that wasn’t always easy, as it’s in your nature to be loving and nurturing and protective of your children and grandchildren, it was what I needed, when I needed it.

Please don’t be offended if you aren’t included in this list. There are so many important and influential people in my life, that I simply could write for hours and hours and days and day and not cover them all.

As I mentioned once or twenty times, I did hit the big 3-0 this year. And let me tell ya, for a gay guy, 30 is approaching the grave. At least I thought so. Especially with all my trauma and drama from the early part of the year, I didn’t see my birthday as being a momentous occasion. Again. lesson learned. We partied like it was 1999, and 30 became the new 20 (or maybe 21 to keep it kosher….)

I don’t fear 30 any longer. I’m learning to love it, and before you know it, I’ll be 31.

I must admit though – life has changed. Very much so. Christmas is just days away. And although there are similarities… it doesn’t feel the same. I will surround myself with family and friends, and I know everything will work out, but I sense the difference nonetheless.

Only 14 more days in 2012. I’ve been working sporadically on Ardent Soul – my life story. I find it very difficult to write, at times. I’ve passed 40 pages written, however, and it will continue to grow and blossom. Just as I will….

Until next time…

~TJ

A Year Later, For Nana

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My dear Nana, it has been a year

Since you left and went up to the sky

Months have passed

Since we last looked into your eyes

Yet all around us,

Thoughts of you remain

Many memories that we

Recall again and again.

 

Our love continues to grow stronger

Despite our being apart

We carry on without you Nana,

But you’re always in our hearts…

 

Your laugh we do not hear,

Each and every day

The smell of your perfume,

It starts to fade away

The smile upon your face

The warmth of your embrace

What we wouldn’t give

To stop and hear you say

A kind word or two,

In your special way

 

We know that you would want us

To live our lives each day

To carry on despite your passing

To find, in life, our way…

 

That’s not always easy,

We’re sure you know that too

Because without you Nana,

Our lives have changed, it’s true.

But we give a solid effort

To make each day the best

And let go of our sadness,

Our heartache and the rest…

Because you have gone before us

And now are watching down

An angel up in heaven

Your presence all around.

 

We hope my dearest Nana,

You look down and see

Each and every one of us

Your entire family

As we continue on

And go on with our lives

We hope that your influence

Shapes, guides and revives

 

We hope you understand

That the tears that fill our eyes

Are for the happy times we had with you,

They’re not due to your demise

We hope you rest now comfortably

Among the stars so bright

And your influence continues on

Every day and night.

 

A year has passed

And yet it seems so short

Like only yesterday

We sat upon your porch

Talking about the way

Things used to be

Thinking about the future

And the world we may see

 

Somewhere down the line

We’ll meet again with you

We’ll share an embrace

And a memory or two

But until the time has come

We thank you for who you were

Our amazing Nana

None compare to her.

 

Remembering Nana – who went to heaven on August 18th, 2011.

A Letter To Nana

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Please do not be worried

Although your time was hurried

You fought so hard, held on so long

From our hearts, you never will be gone.

 

There are many memories

that we could gladly share.

Lots of happy times

many with you there.

Holidays, Anniversaries,

and birthdays planned with care.

But most of all, my dear nana,

I’ll remember you with grandpa,

such a happy pair.

 

His eyes lit up

When you entered a room

Whenever he was away

He couldn’t return too soon

With a sweet and gentle nature

Through sick and of course in health

Grandpa stayed beside you

Never worrying about himself.

 

You touched us all and played

A very special part

In every life you entered

Right from the very start

We all feel an emptiness

That will never quite be filled

A longing for your company

That just cannot be stilled.

 

Your strong sense of pride

Ingrained from deep inside

Your caring sense and tendency to worry

Your occasional fire

and red-headed fury

 

These are all the things

We know to be true

They’re important traits we

Came to love in you.

 

Our hearts are filled

Knowing on this day

That you’ve gone now to rest

And things will be okay

 

So please do not be worried

For you have not gone far

We have gathered around you

And see you in the stars

 

For a time to come

There will be flowing tears

We’ll find a way to grieve

And some will face their fears

 

But you’ll be watching down

From somewhere up above

And I know you will continue to

Surround us with your love

 

A grandma’s love is like no other

There simply is no match

Its something so contagious

We want every-one to catch

 

So go now my amazing grandma

Go and take a rest

One day we’ll come to join you

Of this I would not jest

 

Sleep now and dream

But please do not be stressed

Because for having known you

Each of us are Blessed.

Your family now surrounds you

Standing hand in hand

Comforting each other, remembering,

The way only families can.

 

For Nana – who went to heaven on August 18th, 2011.

30 – New Beginnings

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It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down to write, again. What can I say? It comes in spurts!

Almost a month ago, I turned 30. As my birthday approached, I was in many aspects, truly dreading it. But 30 has come… and gone… and I’m still here… 30 feels a lot like 29… but in my particular situation, it’s been a hell of a lot better than 29.

To date, I’ve lost nearly 50 lbs, and continue to work at the life changes I’ve implemented. I have cut more than 6 inches off my waistline, changed my diet, implemented a routine, and I’m learning to have fun again. I don’t think my stress level has been this low… well… ever. haha. I’m continually learning, taking things in stride, and looking for opportunities around every corner to better myself.

The results have not gone unnoticed. I sincerely appreciate the comments by those around me when they take just a minute to say “Wow, TJ, you look great. You have definitely lost weight, and you just look all around happier.”

That truly helps cement my mentality – no looking back. Continue to move forward. Take those lemons that life threw at you and make a lemon drop daquiri! Okay, maybe a lemonade will suffice. 🙂

I know that the changes I’ve begun are no where near coming to an end. I strongly felt it was past time to re-invent myself. So. New adventures abound!

My 30th birthday was a blast – decided to have an 80s party. A throwback to the decade I made my initial mark on this world. I was joined by many old friends, some new ones, and some amazing folks who are like, or actually are family to me. I was able to cut loose… be social, and yeah, celebrate the anniversary of my birth with a large liquid diet.

Following my birthday is my cousin’s birthday. Matt. We are a year and ten days apart, and I’ve decided to refer to him as my brother-cousin. Not only because he is as close to me as any brother truly could be, but because we often have to stop and explain that we are cousins, not actually brothers. So I gave up the repeated explanations – we’ll just be brother-cousins. (Hey, if there can be sister-wives… my analogy is a lot less explanation warranted).

For Matt’s birthday he planned a destination celebration – an all time favorite – Las Vegas. I didn’t really know how I would be able to swing it financially. Again, blessings upon me… my Grandma and Matt split the cost of my plane ticket as a gift for my birthday. My cousin, also quite the avid gambler, had complimentary rooms at the Rio (all suite hotel). So hotel stay and plane ticket were taken care of! Um… I think financially, with these developments, I’m able to make this trip!

I have to admit – I was more excited for a quick weekend in Vegas, than I was for a week-long supposed “once-in-a-lifetime” cruise to the Western Caribbean! This would be the first time Matt and I were in Vegas together without our families with us. Not that we don’t love our family, just this was a new experience and adventure!

To keep true to the old adage – “What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” I’m not going to write out details of all the events that took place. So in short – plane landed, out to bar, return to hotel at 6:30 AM, sleep for three hours, get up, go to pool, swim and tan (or burn – first time ever.) Go to show. Show stunk (performer got injured, show got lame). Go out for Matt’s Birthday (in a limo, paid $25.00 to get in club door – ugh.) Return to hotel. Go to sleep at 5:30 AM. Wake up 3 hours later. Go to pool. Gamble, win SITC progressive jackpot (almost 300.00… yeah baby). Go to airport, return to Seattle. But truly – a fantastic trip, as compact weekend trips go!

As July faded away, and August came in to full view, things finally started to calm down again. The summer rush had subsided, the warm weather was here, and my thoughts turned ahead. August 18th will mark the one year anniversary of my Grandma’s death. As a separate post, I’m going to include the creative writings I penned in her honor and in remembrance of her. They are called “A Letter To Nana” and “A Year Later, For Nana.”

Just a little background on “Nana”. That was the word my siblings as I used for my mom’s mother – my grandma. Nana and Bumpa. My dad’s parents were (in accordance with Chamorro (Guamanian) tradition) Nana and Tata (those are abbreviated forms of the words which mean grandma and grandma in the native language of Guam).

Anyways – we will be attending a memorial in observance of the one year mark. I was asked to read the creative writings, but everything inside me tells me I just won’t be able to make it through the readings without breaking down. I let them stand alone as they are – a tribute to an amazing woman who was and always will be my Nana.

That’s the extent of my goings on and life, for now, as it is. I will again close with a quote which has saturated my mind:

“Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.” -Jawaharal Nehru

Until Next Time….

~Tj

2012 – The Journey

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Whew! 2012… definitely a year to remember. In more ways than I can count or remember.

In January, I started out on what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime. It ended up being the nightmare to end all nightmares. Who would’ve guessed? My then fiance` and I had been planning to take a cruise to the Western Caribbean for almost a year. While the events are unimportant, this trip ended up being the beginning of the end of my 4 1/2 year relationship and engagement.

February was a rough month. I had to sort out my life, my living situation, and adjust to my new circumstances quickly. Emotionally and physically I was drained. I saw no end in sight, and the news just kept getting better.

March was a time for anger. Attempted (and failed) reconciliations, craziness, stone throwing, pain, suffering, finger pointing. Everyone and no one was to blame. March was also a time for change. I needed to regroup. It was time to rediscover myself, my passions, my life, my social side!

I was blessed (there truly is no other word for it — blessed) to have the family that I do. Throughout all the turmoil, change, heartache, stress, and downright trauma – my family was there every step of the way. I’m not saying they are perfect. They are human, afterall. But especially my brother and sister-in-law have been godsends to me. I don’t know how or why life works the way it does, but I’m a firm believer in the saying “God only gives you what he thinks you can handle.” What I think is lacking from that phrase is “he’s also got a built in support system ready for you.”

Then came April, and May. Life is different now. It’s developed meaning, and direction and purpose again. I don’t necessarily have all those nailed down or know exactly where any of them is leading me… but I have that feeling that they are there again. Of course hindsight is always 20/20… and sometimes that look in from the outside seems so obvious. But I was lost, with blinders on. I had no idea what or how I was living before my eyes re-opened.

A little over five weeks ago – we (My brother, sister-in-law, and I) began a journey. We came to a place within our lives. We had waded through a bunch of crap. We emerged on the other side, still standing. All the better, and stronger for it. We knew that we could and should do better for ourselves in this life. We embarked on a new adventure. One to change ourselves, mentally and physically. We started out walking. At first it was a leisurely stroll around our block. Then, as a little time went on, we increased our distance, and speed. With three of us working at it, we were able to push and motivate each other.

I’m excited to report, that here we are in June. Having developed somewhat of a very regular routine. Our group has expanded to include my sister, and scatterings of my nieces and nephews. To date, counting back to January, I have lost a total of 40 lbs. And it keeps coming. This resulted in nearly 4 inches off my waist.

The results are visibly noticeable in all of us. It’s an amazing feeling. We’ve incorporated so many diet changes and habit changes into our lives which have furthered our progress. While we all know there is more to come, and the road ahead isn’t always going to be a smooth and steady one… I’m continually amazed at the support, progress and drive we have to date.

This weighs on me additionally because in a little over a month, I’ll be turning 30. It’s bittersweet in many ways. Looking back five years ago, I would have told you at 30 I planned to be settled down with a significant other, in a house, with my dog and considering expanding my family. I obviously have a very different view of 30 now.

But I think about it like this – it’s not always the destination, or the outcome you imagine, what’s most important is the journey.

So life continues to change and evolve, and truly get better all the time. And I’m working to not dread turning the big 3-0, but rather take it in stride, embrace it. 30 is shaping up to be an amazing year in my life. 30 isn’t the end of a journey, but the beginning…

Again, I say that I am blessed to have an amazing family. It’s not even that I need them there to hold my hand every step of the way. But it’s beyond comforting to know that if I did need to reach out, there would be a hand to hold me, and lift me up in those times.

I’ve said this time and time again…. but writing has always been an outlet for me… it is within my thought process now to get back to writing once again. There was a lot in my head I needed to clear out first…

Many months ago (and probably truthfully years) I started writing a book. Based on my life and experiences. For a long time, because I thought I needed to mold my life around another, I stepped away from writing. After my grandma passed away, approaching a year ago now, I sat down and began to add to it again, but my focus was lacking.

I was too caught up in the drama that was my life, and the trauma of her passing. I tend to write, edit, re-write, re-edit, and re-re-write on a very regular basis. So it will be a work in progress for some time… but one that I plan very shortly to get back to.

Even after writing this short “update” I feel more clarity of mind. It’s like knowing my path was always there, and I was walking on it from time to time, but often it was in darkness… now I have a flashlight, and can better see my way through.

I think I will close out this entry with a final thought on the last six months… a quote I read and posted on facebook – “You can’t start the next chapter in your life if you continue to re-read the last one”

Until next time…..

~Tj